Damn History, You Scary!
July 27th, 2015
CLICK THE LINK ABOVE TO HEAR THE ARTICLE ON SOUNDCLOUD
I had a chance to speak with my father (AKA "Daddy Dearest") the other day. He's getting on in age, nearing 70 to be more exact. Smartest man I know, without a doubt, and he's still in great shape. However, DD had said something peculiar during our chat. He kept announcing his desire to "go back to a simpler time." Now, this makes sense for a number of reasons. During the past 15 or so years, society has changed drastically in several ways. America has undergone a significant economic raping thanks to our 1%, while China has grown exponentially (despite their burgeoning bubble); homosexuals have the same marital rights as heterosexuals (about time); and certain aspects of technology are booming, as stated by Stewart Brand during his speech at TED2013: "synthetic biology technology is accelerating at four times the rate of Moore’s Law". DD could also be suffering from an existential crisis, realizing he's spent the better part of 45-50-some-odd years working his life away. Perhaps it's a combination of all of the above.
Regardless, we sat down and mulled it over, arguing both our points over a cup of tea and a plate of generic animal crackers. For whatever reason, no matter what arguments I'd mentioned, he wouldn't believe me when I said that we live in a better time now. Bear in mind, sometimes people don't want to listen, especially when so many good memories are tied to the past. My father's favorite movies, for instance, were Casablanca, Citizen Kane, and basically anything black-and-white, especially the old Westerns.
I found the conversation interesting, so here are some of the arguments I'd mentioned that had fallen on figuratively deaf ears.
Regardless, we sat down and mulled it over, arguing both our points over a cup of tea and a plate of generic animal crackers. For whatever reason, no matter what arguments I'd mentioned, he wouldn't believe me when I said that we live in a better time now. Bear in mind, sometimes people don't want to listen, especially when so many good memories are tied to the past. My father's favorite movies, for instance, were Casablanca, Citizen Kane, and basically anything black-and-white, especially the old Westerns.
I found the conversation interesting, so here are some of the arguments I'd mentioned that had fallen on figuratively deaf ears.
AN ABRIDGMENT OF REASONS WHY YOU SHOULD BE GRATEFUL TO BE ALIVE IN 2015
#1 SERIOUSLY F***ED UP PUNISHMENTS
Birching: beating an individual with a bundle of birch twigs (traditionally, but does not necessarily have to be birch, per se) stripped of their leaves. Depending on the force applied, birching can be extremely painful. It may lead to the breaking of skin, bleeding, scarring, nightmares, and involuntary b-hole puckering at the sound of a whip (NOTE: Do not watch any Indiana Jones movies if you've been "birched"). If you think the whipping is bad, imagine trying to wash all the blood out of your ruined white shirts before school, all the while running the risk of being tardy and getting "birched" all over again. Nowadays teachers are reprimanded for raising their voice at students.
Birching was common in schools and courts prior to the mid-20th Century. What's more, "birching" was only banned from usage in Britain in 1948.
Branding: heating an iron rod to several hundred degrees Fahrenheit and imprinting the tip (often stylized) against the flesh of the criminal(s).
You may think barnyard animals have it rough, but up until 1829, human branding was used in everything from rites of passage to slavery to corporal punishment. The intense heat, when pressed against exposed flesh, causes third-degree burns, blisters, shock, and permanent scarring. If left untreated, the brand can lead to deadly infections.
Today, some people use human branding in body modification. National Geographic covered this cringe-inducing example of human absurdity in better detail.
Scold's Bridle: an iron muzzle primarily used on women centuries ago. The device is approximately two inches long and pressed down on the top of the tongue. To make matters worse, some more creative versions of the bridle were equipped with spikes, thus limiting the torturee's movement by causing intense pain. Women haven't exactly been treated with much respect throughout history, that much is clear, but those thought to be witches or a shrew of a wife, were sentenced to wearing this horrid device for variable amounts of time.
Brazen Bull: a device constructed by Perillos of Athens for Phalaris, the tyrant of Akragas, Sicily as an alternative means to executing criminals. The accused would be forced into the hatch of a large, bronze bull. The latch would then be locked, much to the accused's dismay. From there, a flame is set underneath the bull and left untouched. It doesn't take long before the internal temperature of the Brazen Bull rises, causing the person locked inside to scream in anguish as he is scalded by any surface he touches, deprived of oxygen, and roasted until succumbing to one of the most agonizing deaths imaginable. The icing on the cake is at the end, when the internal temperature rises so high that steam is exhausted from two holes in the bull's nose, like a teakettle. An additional note: the very first person to take the plunge into the Brazen Bull's hatch for a test drive was none other than Perillos of Athens, the inventor.
#2 PREVIOUSLY INCURABLE DISEASES
Measles: a virus that starts out with a fever, runny nose, cough, red eyes, and sore throat. From there, a rash develops, which quickly spreads all over the body. One of the reasons why measles is so scary is because of how contagious this airborne virus can be. If left untreated, measles can lead to brain infection and, eventually, death. This malady was a worldwide cause for panic until the 1960s, when a vaccine (the MMR vaccine) was developed and distributed. Thanks to anti-vaxxers, however, measles has once again returned to the US.
Smallpox: a virus which causes bumps or fluid-filled blisters to rise on the flesh of the afflicted. You may have heard the controversial story of a certain British general handing out smallpox-laden blankets to the Native Americans at the Siege of Fort Pitt. The mortality rate of smallpox was estimated to be around 30-35%, but in the late 20th century, hundreds of millions of people had died as a result of infection. Thankfully, the last occurrence of smallpox was seen in the late 70s. To date, it is suspected to be one of the few viruses completely eradicated as a result of an engineered vaccine.
The Bubonic Plague: The mother of all outbreaks hit Europe in the late 14th-Century. According to the History Channel: "The Black Death arrived in Europe by sea in October 1347 when 12 Genoese trading ships docked at the Sicilian port of Messina after a long journey through the Black Sea. The people who gathered on the docks to greet the ships were met with a horrifying surprise: Most of the sailors aboard the ships were dead, and those who were still alive were gravely ill. They were overcome with fever, unable to keep food down and delirious from pain. Strangest of all, they were covered in mysterious black boils that oozed blood and pus and gave their illness its name: the “Black Death.” The Sicilian authorities hastily ordered the fleet of “death ships” out of the harbor, but it was too late: Over the next five years, the mysterious Black Death would kill more than 20 million people in Europe–almost one-third of the continent’s population." The plague (Yersinia pestis) was carried by flea-ridden rats. Many had died when The Black Death knocked on Europe's door, but people in the rural areas of Third-World countries continue to die today. A once indomitable disease that could claim a life within a week's time can now be cured with a simple antibiotic treatment.
#3 TECHNOLOGICAL ADVANCEMENTS
The Automobile, Transoceanic Flight, and All International Space Programs
Can you imagine a world without cars? Without planes? What if our knowledge of the solar system was limited to late 19th-Century telescopic findings?
Despite the road rage, CO2 emissions, and motor vehicle deaths, our vehicular advancements have taken the human race from beasts of burden and trains to massive freighters and 16-wheelers capable of stocking every Wal-Mart in the country. Back in the 19th-Century, stores frequently ran out of goods. I imagine if you live in Hawaii or some other islands that are heavily reliant upon shipped goods from the mainland, running out of toothpaste every now and then isn't surprising, but to most Americans, running out of goods is reason enough to #apocalypse and store up on as much canned food and AR-15 ammunition in your panic room as possible.
Transoceanic flight allows nearly anyone across the world an opportunity to explore distant lands they would've otherwise only read about in books wrought with racist leanings and inaccuracies. Aside from the economic buff of tourism, transoceanic flight has improved several aspects of our lives, including biological, anthropological, and artistic breakthroughs.
Finally, as many of you may already know, humans finally saw Pluto up close and personal on July 14th of this year. Thanks to NASA's New Horizons project, we've made several invaluable discoveries about the dwarf planet and are anxiously awaiting more information as the craft sails into the black abyss.
Can you imagine a world without cars? Without planes? What if our knowledge of the solar system was limited to late 19th-Century telescopic findings?
Despite the road rage, CO2 emissions, and motor vehicle deaths, our vehicular advancements have taken the human race from beasts of burden and trains to massive freighters and 16-wheelers capable of stocking every Wal-Mart in the country. Back in the 19th-Century, stores frequently ran out of goods. I imagine if you live in Hawaii or some other islands that are heavily reliant upon shipped goods from the mainland, running out of toothpaste every now and then isn't surprising, but to most Americans, running out of goods is reason enough to #apocalypse and store up on as much canned food and AR-15 ammunition in your panic room as possible.
Transoceanic flight allows nearly anyone across the world an opportunity to explore distant lands they would've otherwise only read about in books wrought with racist leanings and inaccuracies. Aside from the economic buff of tourism, transoceanic flight has improved several aspects of our lives, including biological, anthropological, and artistic breakthroughs.
Finally, as many of you may already know, humans finally saw Pluto up close and personal on July 14th of this year. Thanks to NASA's New Horizons project, we've made several invaluable discoveries about the dwarf planet and are anxiously awaiting more information as the craft sails into the black abyss.
Cellular Devices
We often take the ability to contact anyone across the world for granted. If I wanted to call a friend in Hong Kong, London, or Seoul, I could do that... but I couldn't in the 18th-Century. Oftentimes, I would have to resort to snail mail that was delivered via merchant ships, and that could take months. Fast-forward to 2015 and some shut-in located in his mother's basement in Little Rock, Arkansas is sending naked Snapchats of himself to a pedophile posing as a 14-year-old girl in Winnipeg.
The World Wide Web
The creation of the internet sparked a human revolution, causing a domino effect of innovations to take place. Researchers could contact one another from across the globe and not just through the phone, but through emails and detailed notes. Soldiers can see their family from thousands of miles away. Friends can keep in contact with one another. Efficiency has gone through the roof... and it's only the beginning.
But seriously though, if we can cool it with the cat pictures, we may actually get some real work done.
I couldn't convince a man of nearly 70 years to see things from my angle. But that's okay, because I know now more than ever that we're living in the brightest light of human history.
Thanks for reading. As always, I wish you all the best. Happy reading and writing.
Talk to you soon!
-V.C. Remus
Thanks for reading. As always, I wish you all the best. Happy reading and writing.
Talk to you soon!
-V.C. Remus